Three months. How? How do the days just keep flying by? When will I ever wake up from this nightmare? This month is hard. I should be taking her 3 month pictures, and writing about all her little milestones. I see babies on my timeline that were born around the same time as Andelyn and it stings so deep. Seeing their growth and what they’re doing and imagining what our girl would be like. Such a fun month where she most likely would be smiling and laughing for the first time, staring in awe at her big brothers, really developing a personality, and giving us longer stretches of sleep through the night. I would stay awake every hour if it meant that she was here with us. We shouldn’t be imagining these things, but this is what our life will forever be. Dreaming about what could have been. I am so mad. I am so broken. You should be here. Alive, growing, thriving, crying, laughing. Grief isn’t linear. Even though there are days that seem like I’m doing okay, this isn’t something that will ever go away. In an instant, at the most random of times, I am reminded of how big this loss really is. This isn’t a wound that will heal with time. I always dreamt of having a little girl, a mini me, and will never understand why she was just ripped away from me. Perfectly healthy from head to toe, but never got the chance to breathe outside of me, to open her eyes. I’ll never understand. I know it’s often thought that cold, dreary, rainy days are the worst for grief, and don’t get me wrong - they are tough - but as we approach spring I have to admit that these beautiful days are what hurt the most. I see her in everything beautiful, and it hurts. I see her in sunrises and pink sunsets, and it hurts. I feel her in the beautiful breeze and hear her in the windchimes hanging on my porch, and it hurts. I see her in that little ray of blinding sunlight peeking from behind a cloud, and it hurts. Andi was so beautiful, and that hurts. The realization that she will never get to experience these beautiful days, and see these beautiful things - it hurts. My heart, my mind, my body, it all hurts.
Andelyn - I will never stop breathing you into our lives. I love you, I miss you, I need you
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