Here we are. Four months without you. I have to say, with each month that passes, the realization of how truly unfair this all is smacks me right in the face. My timeline filled with babies, growing and changing. My mind immediately starts wondering what you would be like. Would your eyes be blue like your daddy and your brothers or would they be brown like me? Would you have even more hair than the day we met you and would it still be curly? Would you be sleeping through the night yet? The boys did at this age. It’s so much harder having lived through all of these moments and milestones with the boys and actually
knowing what we are missing out on with you each and every day. Being able to put my mind right back to them at this age and just wondering and dreaming up everything about you. You should have been with us at the doctor this week for your 4 month checkup, while they had their 5 year visit. This is so unfair. You’re supposed to be here. You’re supposed to be filling these rooms with sounds of giggles and cries. What I would give to be able to comfort you when you cry. For Jaxon and Leo to fight over who could make you laugh the most. These minuscule things that so many take for granted. Our home and our family shouldn’t be like this. Having to remember, having to dream up your entire life instead of just being with you while you live yours beside us. Having to speak your beautiful name so people will never forget you, instead of getting to actually say it because we’re teaching you and one day you’ll recognize it. Our boys will have to continuously learn what it means to live without their baby sister as they grow up, and that alone shatters me. To think about living a lifetime without you is incomprehensible, so for now we just take it day by day. But man, are these days so long and hard.
Andelyn - I will never stop breathing you into our lives. You will always be our child, our baby girl, Jaxon and Leo’s little sister, and the 5th piece of our puzzle. I will carry you, all my life. For you, I will go on. I love you, I miss you, I need you.
Comments