“Mommy, it’s the 7th! Andi’s 8 months old today!!” .. how is this our life? HOW is this our reality? I can’t even believe that we’re on the back half of one year. 8 months since I saw your perfect face. I’m struggling a lot as time keeps flying by. It’s getting harder and harder to imagine what you would look like. When I look at the only pictures I have of you, I feel like it’s not you anymore. I hate feeling this way and it scares me the more time keeps moving. There’s a gaping hole inside of my heart, my lungs, my stomach, my brain, that will never close. You should be here. I will never understand why you didn’t get to come home with us. I will never understand why this is our story. You were so wanted, you were so loved. It hurts. It ALL hurts. I’m here to tell you that no, it doesn’t “get better”. I wake up every morning and hesitate to open my eyes to this reality. If I just keep my eyes closed a little bit longer, maybe this will have all been a nightmare I can just wake up from. But then they open. A nightmare, that I can’t be shaken out of. Your brothers still talk about you and I’m so thankful for that. In the walls of our home, you are never not spoken of. Your absence is felt everywhere we turn. Every single moment of every single day, I think of you. The hardest thing of having lived through motherhood with the boys before you is knowing exactly what we are missing. Knowing exactly what you should be or would be doing in every single moment. I sit and watch your brothers, your cousins, your family continuing to grow by the second and see the cutout of where you should be. This reality hurts and we are forever changed. There will always be before you and after you - and the after, quite honestly, sucks.
My girl - I love you, I miss you, I need you.
Comments